My children are 22 months apart in age and when they were small the health visitor suggested I burn all the advice books I had surrounded myself with. I was stressed out thinking that I wasn’t getting things right because the book ‘said so’. A particularly memorable morning was when one of them had climbed on top of the table and wee-d and the other simultaneously missed getting to the potty and poohed on the floor. I certainly don’t look back at this moment with great relish but do remember laughing and seeing the humour in the situation whilst also wanting to dial ‘Nanny 911’ for help. It’s also interesting it’s such a strong memory, I would love to go back to this point and give us all a big hug.
The Health Visitor also told me to go with my own intuition and to follow my head and heart. What beautiful advice.
Along the way, I’ve learned that nobody is perfect, each family is unique, our values sacred to our own heart and home.
Another time when my daughter was playing up and not doing as she was told a friend said to me ‘your daughter needs a good slap‘. The words stung me as much as a slap would her.
This moment and more attempts at ‘discipline’ guided me to people and places where I developed a deeper understanding of what creates a feeling of a ‘good enough’ parent where you know you are getting it right despite what your children get up to or your friends say. A feeling of ‘I’m doing what’s in line with my values, my children are well loved, our head and hearts are in the right place and yes we still get on each others nerves and I get it wrong at times but that’s OK, we’re OK’
When I was out in Tanzania I met a beautiful yoga and meditation teacher/soul who said that from a Buddhist perspective my daughter had come to me as a teacher. From this point my relationship changed with her and I now do look at Ellie as a person to learn from who mirrors my light and shadows. She is a beautiful, determined, passionate, intelligent and independent soul and she really does have much to teach and I look back and admire her for not always doing what she’s told!
We are now far better connected and the cracks in our hearts more healed.
There is more Har-Mum-Me
I’ll write about how we’ve created more connection which didn’t lead to a good slap for both of us another time.
Jane Tyson x