Monthly Archives: August 2016

How To Maintain Calm and Connection Around a ‘Temper Tantrum’

A child experiencing a temper tantrum can be a stressful and frustrating experience for us all. This blog is aimed at toddlers but the tips are very transferable.

Jane Tyson

It is worth keeping in mind that often (not always) the screaming is a symptom of the child’s anger and frustration when they don’t have the vocabulary to explain what’s really wrong. Therefore, it does not help when we raise our voice, punish the tantrum or walk away.  Staying calm and identifying what is wrong will help you to handle the situation quickly and effectively especially if you can get in there earlier on.

Remain calm and be a role model:  Model the behavior you want to see for your child.
Before you react check-in with yourself (see also my 1 minute ‘moment of calm’ video here) Take a few deep breaths, tell yourself that reacting in anger does not help the situation, wait at least a few seconds before deciding on a response, go through your child’s ‘list of needs’ – food, hot, cold, pain , digestive problems toilet,  tired, frustrated etc. Maybe ask another adult to take over so you can cool down or take a time out when you know your toddler is safe.

Give your toddler your special time: Remember that your child’s tantrum is not necessarily a way to get his/her way, but could be lack of needed attention from you. Having a toddler can be very busy and we might feel we spend a lot of time with them. This time may also centre around chores or maybe we are with the child but ‘mentally’ on the go.  They might feel left out and ignored and start getting frustrated as they just want our full attention. Set some time aside every day to spend 100% focused time with your toddler, where he/she feels valued, unconditionally loved and has your full attention.

Give clear and short explanations: Many parents don’t explain the reason for a NO and for toddler that can be frustrating. Providing a reason for your actions will help the child make sense of things and to feel more in control of the situation. i.e. ‘Tom, we are going home for lunch now so you cannot have a Lolly’ etc.

Hold your ground. Be empathetic but firm, give a calm explanation, don’t back down. He or she will remember that throwing a tantrum doesn’t lead to satisfactory results. Next time your child wants something, he or she will be less likely to get into this state.

Help to add feelings to the tantrum: often toddlers don’t know how to express what they feel so it might not always be a good idea to ask ‘What is wrong?’.

Instead help with some words ‘I can see you are sad, upset, frustrated, angry’ etc. and then say ‘It is OK to feel that like and I am here when you need me’.

Stay: They DON’T want to behave like that and as upset you are so are they. Walking away can make them feel more lonely,  sad and confused. Stay with them so they know you are there when things calm down. When they are ready for a hug give them one and praise for calming down – be in this moment together to restore connection.

Add the feelings, ‘I can see you are feeling…’ say ‘I am here when you are ready’.

Staying calm and connected may take some time and practice and may not always go according to plan. If it doesn’t then step back, look at what went well and not so well and where you can get it better next time.

 “I started to enjoy every moment with my family, good and bad, instead of always being on my way to doing something else or thinking about doing it.”  Suzanne, Berks      

 More about us …

Jane Tyson
Area Facilitator GU
Family Support

Independent Children Are Confident Children

Jane Tyson (3)

What do YOU want for your children? For them to be well behaved or to do well at school? Or maybe you just want them to be happy and achieve what they can in life.

But what makes our children happy and confident?

To give them what they WANT:
more sweets, to stay up late, no chores, longer screen time, the newest phone/gadgets, no nagging, getting everything ready for them – packing their school bags, fixing and solving their problems, keeping on top of their homework

Or will they be happier if we give them what they NEED:
healthy food, limited sugar, agreed & restricted screen time, realistic & agreed chores and responsibilities, consistent rules, consequences so they learn from their mistakes and for them to organise their everyday life and activities?

So what our children want and what they really need often have little in common. We are not doing them any favours or making our children happier by giving them what they THINK they want… as it will be taking away the greatest gift of all:

independence and a sense of responsibility.

Children who are not trusted or trained to be self-reliant often have a low self-esteem; they don’t get to experience achievement and success – to feel the outcome of their efforts and being noticed for doing so.

They will find school life harder to cope with than their friends as they are not used to looking after themselves and being organised.

Mostly parents say they end up nagging –

“why can’t you do more by yourself!”

Children like rules and routine; it makes them feel safe, secure and happy in an already stressful and confusing world.

Let’s make our kids happy and give them what they really need and in the process feel confident, successful and happy in our parenting.

You will lead your child toward greater independence and self-reliance which will not only help them to do better at school but will also boost their confidence – as we all like to be trusted to do things for ourselves and others.

Children who are self-reliant not only do what they are told the first time but they will also start doing things on their own…without being told. Yes, wouldn’t that be nice?

So ask yourself: what does your child need in order to be happy, perhaps it’s –

• For you to give back some of the self-imposed chores you have taken upon yourself to do and start allowing your child to do them for themselves?
• To start having planned chores and responsibilities, so your child gets a chance to show what they really can do?
• More realistic consequences, in order for them to become responsible for their own behaviour and action?
• Time and space to problem-solve their own every day issues, without you stepping in to fix them?
• For you to step back and allow your child to make a mistake, get up, fix it, try again and enjoy the success which they have achieved?

Parenting Success Team x

If you would like to learn more about raising independent children then I look forward to seeing you at my next workshop on October 12th 2016. If this date doesn’t suit you may prefer to Home Host

Jane x

Raising Independent Children Workshop with Jane Tyson

Arches

My husband is home which means I can get out walking early and leave him and the children sleeping.

In the woods I smelt wood smoke and realised it was the leftover fire filtering through from our garden. Yesterday, my husband started to clear space for a shed/den for the children.

back garden

In the woods, I looked for natural arches over pathways.

tree 4

Then made up some Qi Gong  next to a favourite Oak Tree and perched quietly on my favourite fallen bench just listening, observing, smelling and enjoying.

tree 3

JayTee x

Only Yew.

I have this print out on my wall from a Zen card and keep getting drawn to point 12 –

Become no one. Just be more of yourself.

I’ve been contemplating it for a while as I often read about becoming a better person and have thought I needed to change

687149ee02093568d94fc45fc796c5fb

 

We have many qualities inside of us, we don’t always know they are there, sometimes someone comes along to shine a light instead on them to bring them to our conciousness. Then we learn to switch them on ourselves and light up others too.

I’ve met some very wise people recently, some of them have spirit/totem animals who guide them. Recently a wise acupuncturist, healer and counsellor said her life animal guide was a ‘panda‘. I looked at the qualities she had come to shine this way and have written down the key words that resonated and wrote them on my vision board ( Previous posts)

panda totem

Yesterday, my friend and I discovered a yew tree and this wise, nurturing, playful, peaceful, heart centred panda friend also shared some more Qi Qong moves.

panda

Today, an early morning walk took me past a van saying ‘Shoots & Leaves’ so I took this as a playful panda sign too.

It took me a meditation and a walk to also see the message in the photo below of us both –

yew 3

‘Be More YEW’

What qualities have you noticed in yourself today, what’s lurking within, what do you want to be more of?

Now I’ve got lots of songs in my head –

Only Yew..
Yew 2

JayTeex

‘When children engage their senses with the world around them, they feel happier and more hopeful about life’ Marie Manuchehri

Finding Magic in the Woods with Luke.

Walk. Breathe. Stop. Notice. Smell. Breathe. Listen. Repeat

‘When children engage their senses with the world around them, they feel happier and more hopeful about life‘ Marie Manuchehri

‘Stop being weird mum’

woods

Chakra Number 2

JT x

#rewildthechild #mindfulness #summerfunandlearning

Mindfulopoly – Connection Through Collaboration & Play

My daughter’s main love language is ‘time’, for many children and adults ‘time is love’ Over the past 5 days we’ve played monopoly together. We’ve only got a little travel, she gets it all out and blu tacs the hotels in place each day. We play for about 30 – 45 minutes (her choice) and then take a photo of where we’ve got up to for the next time, and leave it out if possible. Yesterday,  I’d left the window ajar and the money blew everywhere.  With only 2 of us playing I feel this game could go on for about a year.

boot2

We’ll get a new one soon

Phones and computers go off, head and heart connect, and present moment sits with us. We Mindfulopoly.  I’ve had to learn to not be bored when playing a board game, it wasn’t my thing really mainly because I wanted to be too physically and mentally on the go, she was the one teaching me a lesson.

I really look forward to this space we’ve been sharing together as I’ve seen how such a simple thing has deepened our connection. It’s sometimes working out the correct connection isn’t it? Next week it might be something different,  she certainly keeps me on my toes, well it’s a boot this week.

boot

JTx

Details of my next workshop – Correction Through Connection

Family Yoga Flow

Yoga At Home 

Would you like to have time during the week for yoga with your children, a time to connect, play, laugh, stretch, relax learn from each other and grow?  Perhaps you are finding it tricky to find a class and time to suit.  Practising yoga at home with your family can tick a lot of these boxes.

I’m going to share some ideas below for ways I’ve weaved it into my family life over the past 11 years and hope it gives you some ideas and confidence to try it at home too.

Post Natal Yoga

When my children were babies/toddlers I used to plug in a ‘Yoga for Post Natal Vitality‘ DVD with Wendy Teasdil and do a little here and there with them crawling over me and joining in. I figured they would just get used to the idea that ‘Mum’ did yoga and what it was. I don’t think there was so much online yoga around 10 years ago, now there is an abundance.  It wasn’t always that relaxing however it got me moving and I always felt better.

Yoga for Kids

As they grew, they often used to ask for this rather ackward yet fun happy clappy SunDance clip, and go around singing it. There’s other videos out there to choose from including the onesie lady from Cosmic Kids.

If you google ‘yoga for kids posters’ there’s loads you can print off like the one below. Have fun working through them and then you can make up your own stories, rhymes, games and moves. There aren’t any rules, you don’t have to stick to the names nobody is going to be judging or marking you. There’s also lots of yoga for kids books online and cards you could use if you wanted to take it further, but I don’t recommend spending as they will come up with plenty of ideas and there’s lots of free yoga support about.

How Long Should Yoga Take – Family Flow

There is no should, sometimes just 2 to 5 minutes of gentle breath work or holding a downward facing dog pose, can be enough to change a state.  What is your intention for doing it as this moment as a family – calm, joy, playfulness, energy, sleep?   if you are using online yoga choose a length that intuitively suits you.  if you are sharing yoga moves together and making them up just go with the family flow.

Yoga Begins in Savasanah

It is important to  rest in savasanah at the end, as yoga begins in this pose! It’s not easy for children to be still, however it’s good to model this pose, you can always play sleeping lions as an introduction. If you’ve had an energetic practice savasanah restores balance to the central nervous system, omitting it from our practice can leave us a little wired rather than relaxed, same for the kids.

abc yoga

Yoga with Older Children

My children are now 12 and 10 and they do sometimes join in with me, what I have noticed is that my son he is very keen on fitness, and he will often do his press ups alongside my yoga practice!  He’s been used to seeing me practice it daily.    It’s there if the children want it and I know it’s had/having a positive impact on them.  As they are older I’m not so restricted and get out more, if I can’t schedule in a class for myself at the leisure centre, then I’ll use this  fantastic online yoga platform which I subscribe too, there’s a few kids and teenagers classes on here as well – online yoga classes

Would love to know what works best for you and what resources you use, please do comment below.

Jane Tyson